Renee LangermanThe world is a crazy place to live in, especially at this time in my generation. In fact, the world is ever evolving, enough so that it's very hard for me to keep up. However, I am doing a fairly decent job.
I am 18 years old. I registered for college with the immediate plans to double major in art and English but after taking three days of art class, I realized that my calling was "not" in drawing plastic fruit. I am now undeclared but am thinking of majoring in exercise science with a minor in psychology.
I am biracial (the woman who donated the egg was Caucasian - the man who led her into that motel room was African American). To make my life heaps more complicated (on top of being biracial), I am adopted and greatly so by my mom and dad who are both Caucasian. They are my parents though, regardless. I have two older sisters (not genetically related to me but who are genetically related to my parents) that have loved and adored me since the day I was born.
I may appear angry about this subject and this assumption would be genuinely correct. I grew up in a city where pre-school to middle school aged children (of many nationalities) called me names. I never fit in. I moved at age 10 to a small, predominantly Caucasian town (5,000) where I graduated number one in my high school class. I graduated as the ONLY minority in my high school class as well. Guess who the "token" minority was? It was me, the girl who was subject to being trampled by the guidence department because "they" thought she was the "perfect" candidate for such-and-such scholarships. I dealt with that - dealt with dating and the reactions from parents and then, so angry at the world (not an identity crisis, mind you) - I decided to enroll in a program specifically for minorities. This program was an all-expense-paid summer school experience. I couldn't pass up the free education so I decided to join. What a different world it was for me this summer.
(speaking in the "this summer" tense) Now, I'm thrust into a group of VERY angry "minorities" who bash the Caucasian world, a world I am a part of. It's very interesting to me to watch them - watch how different both extremes are. I am in the middle - a place I don't enjoy being a part of.
I don't want to be on one end of the rainbow as opposed to the other but I would certaily like race to some how chew itself up and spit itself out. I wish it weren't so damned important. I'm tired of answering, "What are you?" I'm tired of the kids in my summer group looking at me and saying, "You're not very dark," as if it really mattered what hue I was. To them, I look Latina. It wouldn't matter what I really was, they'd make their own judgments. I'm just very sick of explaining myself. I wish I could remove myself from the horridness of racial categorization and claim myself as "racially emancipated," free from having to choose a particular race to belong to.
At any rate, I'm very stubborn, very highstrung, very annoyed - but certainly NOT confused. I don't have time to deal with a lot of these things which probably adds to my annoyances.
Incidently, for those who wonder, I'm caramel complected with long, black curly hair and gold/brown eyes. To my small town, I'm very tan and look "just as 'white' as the rest of them." (sigh)
(new addition)
This summer is over and I don't regret participating. In some respects, I learned a lot more about myself and a lot more about other people. I saw things from the "other side of the fence." I was cast out by two groups which I technically belong to.
Now I'm in my fall semester and that "swarm" of Caucasian students and other nationalities are now bombarding the campus. I still see many of the students that I spent my time with this summer but I don't intentionally seek them out so I can feel "comfortable" in my new environment.
*** For anyone who wants to know what it's like for me, or know what thoughts race my mind, I'm more than willing to talk. MORE THAN WILLING. In conclusion, a smile has crept across this girl's face - where there had been no smile before. She is learning that she can think for herself and be her own person no matter what hue she is. She is human and she is me.
My First Year in College:
I keep coming back to my personal story and realizing that it's forever going to be unfinished. My major changes and I am growing older, learning new things and meeting new people. I am now 19 years old and majoring in psychology as opposed to athletic training. I may forever have to be sending one-sentence-long updates to keep up with my constant major-changes.
New things have not really happened that involve race. I'm still comfortable with who and what I am. I have no questions that need answering and I'm still very permanent as to the notion that I DO NOT want to be labelled. I don't want to be gazed at and attached a name-tag of this race or that. I still want to just be "Renee."
I'm still very much a loner even though I'm wiggling my way into my second summer at school. I still have a whopping total of three or four friends and that's okay. I'm still not sure of what life has in store for me but believe me, as soon as I know, I'll let you know. Until then...prepare for frequent, or not-so-frequent updates.
UPDATE ON SECOND SUMMER AND SECOND FALL SEMESTER:
Still alive and kicking. I'm back! I spent my second summer working orientation at my school. There were 26 of us, probably a handful of "minorities" (because it makes the campus look diverse - which it certainly isn't). I spent an entire month, every single day, working with incoming students and their families. I dealt with prejudices, not necessarily racial as they were more aimed at sexual orientation, but I dealt with them anyway. One girl, as I recall, said a rather obnoxious thing as I was walking her to her CLEP test. She said, "You know, I came and visited a class once and all there were was Chinese people. Don't you guys have anyone like me around here?" It took all I had not to haul off and smack her but I smiled (through clenched teeth), and quickly prepared an answer. "Well, we do have a lot of international students that attend school here. It's great to make friends with international students so you can learn about a different culture." Isn't that a charming reply? My parents were SO proud. Ignorant wench. Uhg.
Then I dealt with race in regards to another girl who was working orientation with me. Her parents are interracially married but she's darker than I am. She spends her time with many more African American students and I think she might even identify that way. I, however, want no part in a racial discussion with anyone. When the story got out about what the girl had said to me, this particular girl made some horribly reverse-racist comment that almost made me want to haul off and deck her. Funny how I seem to be a magnet for things like this.
The good news is, is that I made it through the summer, I impressed a lot of families, I worked my butt off and alas, I got a boyfriend. Okay - let's paint a picture:
Here's me, 5'5 1/2", probably weighing about 120 pounds, long black curly hair, tan skin, amber eyes, athletic build. (got that in your head). Here's boyfriend: Irish, red hair, red goatee, tan (only from construction work), 6'6" and weighing probably around 210 pounds. RIGHT. And he's from a conservative background and a small town. He told me he'd never dated a minority before and he even told his parents that he was dating a minority and asked them what they thought about that. His mother said, "I will tell you what my father told me. It's fine with me whomever you date, but you have to think about the future and what your kids might look like. All kids are made fun of - it's not fair but they are and you should think about that." Initially this pissed me off but I don't even know the woman. My boyfriend said that she meant well (don't they [parents] always?) and though the comment has its flaws, I can't really hate her. Besides, I don't want kids! :)
I'm still a psychology major (for those of you who were curious) but thinking of changing into something else. If I stay in psych., I'm aiming toward marriage and family therapy. If I change majors, I have no clue what I'd end up in. I'm keeping busy, that's for sure.
I'll keep everyone posted - in the meantime - keep smiling. It makes the world a happier place.