Adult Letters

October through December, 2000

My Shoes is a forum where we can meet other multiracial individuals with a white appearance and express our thoughts and feelings.

This page allows members and non-members to ask questions or comment on anything they wish related to the mission of the support group. Help the support group grow by talking to group members, by contributing to discussion topics, by sending your personal story, and by posting announcements on the bulletin board. Join us!

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Letters:

Name: CHAMBERS, mchamber_0@hotmail.com
Subject: Heritage

Would a white looking Latino who is 1/2 Indian and 1/2 Spaniard be considered to share a similar heritage with a Eurasian who is 1/2 Korean and 1/2 Danish per the following: "My Shoes was created for the biracial individual who has a white appearance and wishes to interact with others of similar heritage."?

(Moderator's Note:  If the Eurasian person in your example identified himself or herself as having a white appearance, then there would be similarities between the two individuals' heritages which might result in similar experiences.)

Possibly I am confused, I read and hear so much about who and what we are that I wanted to respond. Here in the US, particularly, we are of all different races. I for example am caucasion. But that just tells you a little about my skin color. Not about my ancestory. First of all I have no idea what I would classify myself as. My immediate parents are both caucasion mixed, and further down the ancestorial line, we are French, American Indian, German, Irish, Black, Spanish, Scottish, etc... When I tried to trace my family history, I had to include my parents, there parents, and there parents and so on and so on. I concluded I am simply me. I was taught early on in elementary school were the subject was first brought up, that we were the "typical Americans", we were of varied descent. My mother always said who you are doesn't start with your grandparents, it comes from as far back as you could find and well before. Every person had to have two biological parents, and of course from that you have many histories, each person bringing all their history from each side with them, and the histories of each before them. So needless to say, I am like the rest of you, multiracial. I think in many countries were racial mixing has been less popular over the centuries, people feel their ethnicity is more assured. I think it only becomes a question when you come from a mixed cultural background and most of us are. I have so much respect for so many cultures I have never found it confusing for me. I love it! I realized that the histories of so many countries are also my history. I only wished people would stop classifying themselves, and those ethnicity guestions on so many forms would stop. We are all people. No matter the hue of our skin, our religious orientation, etc., we are all the same on the inside and thank God (or whomever you believe in), that we don't all look the same on the outside! I hope my comments do not offend anyone, they are just my personal feelings. Thank You for having a space like this for people to come and share.

Their is an article about Interracial Voice writer A.D. Powell located at www.angelfire.com/zine/southernfist/index.html

Hi I am doing a report on blacks passing for white and I just wanted to let you guys know that your site was very helpful and since I am brown skinned and could never pass for white it gave me a touch of what yall go through and now I know not to judge so critically but one comment did effect me I forgot who said it but they said something like the white people considered me as too black and the black people think I speak to proper and some other stuff but you guys have to understand you can be black and speak proper speaking proper is not a white thing it might be depicted as one but it is not other than that I liked your sight and found it very educational.

I was just browsing through some biracial and multiracial pages, and I find it very strange that so many racially mixed people(specifically black and white) had this terrible identity crisis, and felt torn between the two races. My father was white ( I say was, although he may still be around, because I don’t know him), and my mother is black. I never had issues with race. Well, that’s not entirely true… WAAAAAAAY back in 2nd grade (1986), I went to an all black school, and the kids used to call me white-girl. But, I was too young to think of it as some kind of dilemma. Also, at that time, I still thought I was just a light-skinned black girl, because my mother had married a black man – who I thought was my father until I was nine(and had two more children by him, one almost as light as me and one almost as dark as she is)- and he was light-skinned, too. In 1988, my mother told me that my father is a white man, but to this day she never said who he is. I don’t resent him being white, though… I just resent her not telling me who he is. I’m only 21 now, but my life’s experience has been comparatively good… I’ve never felt discriminated against or looked-down upon by any people – white, black or other, and aside from when I was younger, I have always been accepted by everyone. I was always just “the pretty, light-skinned girl”. Occasionally, people that don’t know me, mistake me for being Hispanic, and lots of people ask me point blank what race I am, but the people who know me best say I’m just me. I may be mixed in my genes, or in my blood, but there’s no confusion in any other aspect of my life in respect to that. There never has been. When my mom said I was mixed, I just took it for what it was and kept doing me. I know this is kinda long, but I just want all biracial or multiracial people to know, that there really doesn’t have to be such a problem with being mixed. I’m proof of that. I’d like to hear from you all regarding this. http://www.geocities.com/lakarab

I am a white female who had a child with a black man. I am no longer with her father and my daughter lives with me. The day my child was born, her father was in the delivery room with me and the first thing he said to me was,"whose child is that." This has disturbed me to no end. He was referring to her white skin. He was of course just joking and he completely accepts our daughter as his, he has never seriously doubted that she was his. However, we had always heard that biracial children who are born with white skin tend to get there "color" as they get older. Well for my daughter this has never happened. In fact when she was born, she had brown hair and as she got older it has become blond. Her father's immediate family (mother,father,sisters,nieces) accept her and have never questioned that she was his, but some of his cousins who arent around us very often have. They are constantly asking me who is the baby's real father and saying that he needs to have a blood test. Everyone who sees me and my child automatically assume that she is white and no one ever questions that she is anything but white. My daughter is 2 yrs old and I know as she gets older she is going to have questions that I just dont have the answers to. Why does my child have blond hair, blue eyes, and white skin? She is the product of a dark skinned african american and a caucasian with brown hair and brown eyes. How is this even genetically possible?? I sometimes will look at my child and wonder, "How can she be mine?" If I had not seen her as soon as I gave birth to her I would have believed that there was a mix up at the hospital! I also sometimes get some flack from my friends that also have biracial children, but their children look black. She makes statements like,"Her father left me to raise a black child all alone." and some other statement about the looks she gets from people in stores, walking in with a black child , being a white female. This sometimes makes me feel like she is trying to make me feel bad because my child appears white and I do not get the stares that she does when I walk into a store with my child. I am just searching for people who may be in this same situation or anyone who can explain to me how it is possible that my child came out with blond hair and blue eyes. Nobody ever believes me when I tell them that my child is mixed. What am I going to tell my daughter when she comes home from school one day and she asks me why? My daugter interracts with her father on a regular basis and she will know that she is biracial, but what is she going to think when she sees other biracial children who look biracial?? I would appreciate any comments or insight anyone has. Thank you

My family is interracial in almost every way imaginable. I'm not even sure what sort of ancestry I have. Neither of my parents is purely black, american indian, or white. But maybe we are more black than anything else. My grandmother, however, is very fair and in the days of Jim Crow, could sit in the front of the bus. My aunts and uncles on both sides are mistaken for white, indian, or black. As for myself, I got called paper sack brown for most of my life. I just wanted to ask if being brown skinned makes you less beautiful. Do men of other ethnicities or of mixed decent view black women less favorably than women of other races? Do women of other races find black women less attractive than others? I am asking you because that seems to be my experience. Of course to me, my mother, Witney Houston and Julia Roberts are the most beautiful women I have ever seen. The most gorgeous guys in the world are Sean Connery, Harry Connick, jr. and Will Smith. Are their others in the world with such a diverse mentality?

Please let me know.

I just recently found a comment I sent to this forum on 10/29/98. I said that interracial daters were infactuated by the notion of dating outside their race, and that they couldn't be at all interested in the person. I was wrong! I don't know why I said that. Who am I to say how someone else feel? If someone can find love in another person, that is all that matters. LOVE, even if it dosen't last, is the most wonderful thing in the world, everyone should experience it at least once. I was dealing with issues of insecurity and jealousy when I said that I thought that interracial dating was wrong. Although I date exclusievly black men, I don't think that I would turn somebody down because of their race.

My son is biracial. His father is black and I am white. My son has just turned 9 and seems to be having difficulty being black. He has no contact with his father and never has. My problem is that I am afraid I don't know how or what to teach him about his black culture that will help him to be proud of who and what he is. My parents, who love my son very, very much, think it is because he is being teased at school and because he seems to be different from all of his friends. I think that it has more to do with the fact that he doesn't have any contact with his father or his father's other children. I think he resents the fact that his father is not involved in his life and somehow blames himself because he is half white and half black. I just don't know what to do to help him discover that he is wonderful just as he is. I am afraid I am not doing something right and that he will suffer for it. How can I teach my child to be proud of himself because he is different and because he is black and white. Am I being unrealistic? Am I being blind to the world around my son and to his inability to deal with those who seek to classify him as one or the other? What should I do to help him deal with his feelings?

Hi. I am a white male who has a very dark complexion due to the fact that I tan real easily in sunlight. I also had curly black hair, and all of my life peopl have asked me if I am black, white, or mixed, or hispanic. I tell them that I am simply white, but many people have made coments that I must have some black in my family. Well, I do not. My great-great grandmother was cherokee indian, but other than that, my heritage is strictly anglo-european. Under my shirt, I am as white as can be, but my face and lower arms are very tan. I am just tired of people asking what race i am and then not believing me when I tell them I am white and nothing else. I even dyed my hair blonde and had it straightened. Now, nobody has asked the question lately. What people don't seem to realize is that there are lots of dark skinned whites out there, just as there are many blacks who are light skinned.

Just found your site and plan on looking for information on Native Americans who where raised White.

I call myself a red white man. DNA wise I am more white than Native American. But my upbringing was Native at home and white in public. I am Lenni Lanapi, Unami clan. Or in the non-native world, Delaware, turtle clan.

The past 10 years or so I have embraced my Lanapi background. We dance at Pow Wows and make the majority of our own regallia.

The Native American population in Fl accepts us for who we are. Teh white community refuses to accept that I could possibly be Native American. Kind of crazy.

Jake (Achgook)

I actually have two questions- one, is this site still active? I don't see recent letters, maybe I need to send this in first... Also, am interested in any info on historical and modern voluntary mixed race communities in the U.S. or Canada. If anyone knows any good web sites, would love to hear of them. I am doing research on this because I feel our histories have been buried. Many of the letters I see being addressed to mixed race web sites talk of mixed race as it were strange. Well, it's not. It's just hidden. That makes us all feel strange. It is interesting that the words tri-racial "isolates" should be used to describe what must be/have been some of the more sophisticated and cosmopolitan communities for their times and regions. I have to say, I like it when people say "your *different*" or "where do you come from?" to me. I'm very white looking French Metis, and the people who say that to me usually mean it as some strange contorted kind of compliment. I guess that's different for me. Usually it means that I understood something that person never thought a white person would. I think it's kind of funny. People just assume that my eyes don't work, & then all of a sudden they can see me. Or they can't, and then I tease them. I know who I am... That stuff is easy. The hard part is something I don't even need to bring up...

(Moderator's Note:  The site has not been active for almost a year due to severe computer problems.  However, it is now working again and hopefully will remain current.)

It is how you FEEL about me that REALLY matters.

Despite the connundrum of what precipitates what: thoughts or feelings; I am not so much concerned with thought as I am emotion. For emotion is pure, albeit sometimes borne of thought... nonetheless pure.

Having said that, I can convey my strong sense of self and identity, despite, or shall I say "in spite of" my mixed ethnicity.

I am blessed with a wonderful Hispanic mother, and a proud African-American father. Yes, I was called "blexican," "half-breed," cha-cha-cha," and numerous other names as I traversed adolescence. But those experiences actually made me stronger.... and it is a good thing (strength learned at an earlier age)... It is indeed a good thing when one must face the rigors of the ethnically diverse yet racially challenged society of the States United yet divided.

Interestingly enough, after growing up in Michigan, in a moderately sized, working class city north of the Motor City, I was truly exposed to the severity of this country's racial canyons when I joined the United States Navy at the ripe age of eighteen.

A woman from Modesto, California, asked me not to "get offended" as she told "a nigger joke." She said this to me within sight and earshot of several other people, all of whom were more interested in the joke than her ignorant request for pardon.

Was I angry? No.

Am I angry? No.

Why... or, more correctly, why not?

Well... even growing up, I remember the words... hurting much more than sticks and stones, despite the childhood rhyme. Why did it hurt then? you may ask. Well, my dear associates... it hurt then because those words came from family.

My uncles on my mother's side were never at a loss for a "nigger joke." Likewise, my father was the first one to fling remarks about beans and rice across the living room floor. Those remarks hurt the most because of their deviciveness... not because of the ignorance or stinging of their delivery.

After all... there I was (and here I am)... having to decide how those things applied to me. Of course, today, I know better.

In fact... those experiences taught me that "people are people" wherever you go... even if that person is sitting across from me at the kitchen table. Ya' know?!?!?

So remember... we ARE a special people... Not because we have special powers, or because we are a "chosen race."

No, we are special because we have literally searched for our identities, and in some cases, we actually CREATED them. Whatever the case: I am who I am. Therefore I care not what you think about me (because I KNOW *who* and *what* I am). No, my dear... I care only how you FEEL about me.

Peace, love, and patience... all without fear.

My daughter is 15 and her father, who is african american, has been out of her life for many years. I am white and raised her alone for 8 years. We have been very close even after I remarried when she was 9. We have had a cozy life, the three of us. Her step father is white and we are having a baby soon. This has deeply upset our daughter. We want to be supportive of her feelings help her. She focuses on the fact that she believes that she wont look like us! We love her and need advice...any thoughts out there???

I wish I could say that I was proud of being black all through the 14 years of my life, that I was fortune to be surrounded by another race and knew my differences right away and could accept them. I think that’s what you would call my insecurity and identity crisis as child in poverty. It was a struggle between individuality, black acceptance, and being “normal”. And since I was never really exposed to people who found their African ancestry worth defending and preserving, I adopted the white beauty idealism and ignorant black belief system like all the other African-Americans around me, which were mainly my relatives. I didn’t have any friends because even with shoulder length hair, a pretty face, and an attractive shape I didn’t fit in with the females or males, as the males were fascinated and intrigued by light-skin women and straight hair. And there was always something inside of me that kept me back from speaking up for myself, because I guess, my mind thought of what they said as the truth. Besides, my father made little jokes about me being brown-skinned and I saw how he looked at light-skinned women and I saw how insecure my mother was as a dark-skinned African American woman. Fortunately, with god’s mercy I’ve gained great knowledge through early African-American based authors, African culture and know that most of today’s blacks are stuck in some quick sand of their own. Hopefully, the generation X will grow up and find the flaws in American society and make the future better than the past and maybe the increase of African-Americans earning college dipmolas will better our roles in society.

I'm raising my grandson, Chris.He's half black and half white.I have custody of him.How different is he going to feel with me raising him?One time his other grandmother told me he was too white.Why can't his other grandparents really love him?Why do they have to play so many games?What do I have to do so he neverloses his self esteam?

Both my husband and I are bi-racial and had an easier time with our identity because we grew up outside of a military base, where there were many kids like us. Our 16 yr. old bi-racial son is having difficulty feeling comfortable with himself. He told me he feels sad that he's part black. (There are few bi-racial kids in our area.) My son says his father always try to say positive things about being bi-racial but he feels his father just doesn't understand how it feels. My husband has made a strong effort to expose our kids to many positive black role models. Our children's aunts and uncles are involved in our kids lives. My son doesn't want his father or his aunts and uncles to know that he wants to escape being black. Interestingly enough, they have all experienced the same feeling.

Though our son is blessed with a good mind, a healthy body, and good social skills, he feels limited by his black heritage. He feels like he doesn't fit in. FRIENDS at school have called him the United Nations boy, mixed kid, etc.. Though he laughs with the group because he knows they really do like him, he says these comments make him feel that he's really different. He seems to be projecting a sense of sadness and deep insecurity.

Any thoughts as to how to help him feel more comfortable with himself?

(Moderator's Note:  Your son may wish to talk to other teens in the My Shoes Youth Support Group.)

IAM A 28 YEAR OLD BLACK WOMEN MARRIED TO A ITALIAN AMERICAN MAN. I NEVERED HAD ANY RACIAL ISSUES UNTILL WE GOT MARRIED NOT WITH FRIENDS OR FAMILY,BUT WITH EVERYONE ELSE. I WAS BORN AND RAISED IN A VERY WHITE WORLD. I REALLY DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT THTE BIG DEAL IS !!!WE ARE ALL HUMAN . IAM REALLY SCARED BECAUSE WE ARE TALKING ABOUT HAVING CHILDREN VERY SOON. IF ANYONE COULD GIVE ME ANY ADVICE ON BRINGING UP BI RACIAL KIDS OR ANY OTHER WEB SITES FOR INTERRACIAL COUPLES OR MARRIAGES PLEASE E MAIL ME. AND REMEMBER IT TAKES MORE ENERGY TO HATE

I have been watching your web site for a while now. I really enjoy it. I think I think it's a valuable contribution to the Internet. I have noticed, though that you do not have a chat room. My brother has already created a chat room called "MyShoes", which would be devoted entirely to bi-racial and multi-racial individuals with a white appearance. I myself am a multi-racial person and I feel this is a much needed chat room for your vistiors. I havent found anything on the Internet along these lines. Hopefully this idea will appeal to you and you will accept this excellect opportunity. You probably remember me, Christianna Brown I sent you an email last week, describing myself a bit. I have several siblings of mixed race parentage who also enjoy your site.

This chat applet is hosted by my brother Cloud2000

I have recently found out that I am part mulungeon and I have a mother that doesnt belaeve in inter racial marrages. she had no Idea that my father was half mulungeon she thought he was half scottish or she wouldnt have married him. When I told her about my discovery she denied it. What is a mulungeon what is there ethnic heritage. What is there culture like. I am part Cherokee and am very proud of that. I am also Irish and Italian as well. I am very proud of that fact and participate it cultural events. I have researched my ancestory and learned as much as possible so please tell me what you can about my new found race.

I AM A BLACK 18 YEAR OLD FEMALE AND I DON'T BELIEVE IN INTERRACIAL DATING AND MARRIAGES.I HAVE FIVE MIXED RACE COUSINS AND THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE. I THINK THAT PEOPLE SHOULD STICK TO THEIR OWN RACE BECAUSE IT IS BETTER FOR THE CHILDREN.WHEN A CHILD IS BIRACIAL THEY REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE BECAUSE THEY HAVE A BLACK FAMILY AND A WHITE FAMILY OR ANOTHER EITHNIC GROUP OF FAMILY. WHEN U R IN A INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIP AND U WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN THINK ABOUT THE CHILD THAT U R GOING TO BRING IN THIS WORLD.BEING BIRACIAL BRINGS ALOT OF RACISM IN THE WORLD.AND WHEN THIS CHILD GROWS UP THEY WILL PICK ONLY ONE RACE.WHEN A CHILD IS MIXED WITH BLACK THAT PERSON IS BLACK BECAUSE NO OTHER RACE CAN GO OVER BLACK. I DON'T CARE HOW LATE THE MIXED PERSON IS.INTERRACIAL COUPLES BRING ALOT OF RACISMS IN THE WORLD. AND MOSTLY FROM WHITEMENS AND BLACK WOMEN.

(Moderator's Note: Please send to me a complete email address so I can post it properly.)

Being of mixed heritage-Black,N.American,Irish-I have funky hair. It is long,brown,and loosely curly,with natural red and blonde highlights. I like it during winter;hate it in the summer. In the summer, it turns into one big fluffy brillo pad. All of my white friends love it; they pay big bucks to have work done to their hair to get it like mine. I say they can have it.. What I have found that works really well in humid conditions is to take a quarter-size blob of baby oil and massage it into the ends(only)of my hair. It gives them a lusterous sheen,without making the rest of my hair look oily,and tames the frizzies big-time.

I can't believe I have found this site. Words cant discribe.

O.k. Hair has always been a major issue with mixed people (such as myself). In high school I had friends who were mixed who had all different types of hair. One had white hair...but she was really dark skinned. One had black hair and she was dark skinned (she looked pretty black) except for her face. It just all depends on how the genes mix while you are in your Mothers stomach. I have long, curly/straight, hair. At one point and time I tried a perm and all it did was make my hair dry and break off (it was gross). So I cut it all off and grew it out again. I now blow dry my hair straight I use Olive Oil because my hair gets so dry (try it it works)....and yes I 2...where it up a lot. Due to the fact that it gets wild in rain or on humid days. Sometimes if I want it super straight I go to a black stylist and get it pressed. That will last for about two weeks. In the summer time I wash it and put A LOT of gel in it and wear it curly. It's funny sometimes when I'm not in the mood to spend hours blowdrying my hair I wear it curly and people are like wow....How did you do that? I always smile and say IT'S A MIXED THING. We should be proud that we have mixed hair we can do sooo many things with it.. You just have to find what works for you..One girl I knew put baby oil in her hair to keep it straight??..What ever you do don't listen to other people. Do what you want to do and don't let anyone ever tell you you have black hair because one of your parents are black....That's just BS!!

I am a 24 year old single white mother of a beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed, biracial baby named Savanna. I came across this site while trying to explore more avenues on how to raise my daughter to recognize both sides of her heritage. Her father who is very actively involved in her life, comes from a family that is black and white mixed since way back in the day. His mom and dad both happen to be black, he is fair skinned and my daughter is so so fair. White people assume she is white and black people seem to always know that she is mixed. I am from a very racial area in MD, as soon as i became pregnant I knew I had to move from the area because it would make her life more difficult to be in the area where we lived. My own parents say they are not prejudiced, but don't agree with race mixing? How hypocritical is that. So we moved to California and my daughters' fathers' parents live out here and all in all it has been a great transition. I feel my daughter has a better chance of being accepted. I realize my responsible as a white mother to my biracial child. She will always know and celebrate both sides of her heritage. I will raise her to be proud of everything she is and isn't. What does concern me is when we got to MD like once a year to visit my family I'm always afraid someone we come in contact with will say the "N" word. My parents and all my family love my daughter, however, i can't help but feel that they love her so much because she isn't "so black skinned". I know I can't protect her from everything but I hate to think that while visiting my family she may here them say some prejudiced things. How do I deal with that? Avoid visiting my family? Never let her know my side of the family because I'm not proud of their opinions? and by doing so would that encourage her to not to associate a good feeling about being white too? I think I'm a great mom and just want to be prepared for everything!! Any suggestions or advice will be graciously accepted, thanks.

I'm antsy even writing this because my ethnicity is something that I've just chosen not to deal with for such a long time. My parents both militantly identify themselves as black people. You would think there would be no question as to my ethnicity, with this being the case. My dad's family is Guyanese. My mother is a Latina from Panama in Central America, but if you ask her she'll tell you she's black. She says that that doesn't matter here in America. Here they treat all minorities the same and it doesn't matter if you speak Spanish or what. Which is, of course, true in many ways, but when you don't really look one race or another and you grow up constantly being asked "What are you?", people are not so satisfied with that explanation. I look very mixed. I'm caramel-colored, lighter than some of my Indian friends. My own brother calls me 'hi-yella' (he's kidding). I relax my hair every four to six months just to keep it under control, but it's long, black and curly, even when it's relaxed. Think Scary Spice, just not as much as she has. I have very delicate features -- small face, big, dark doe eyes, small nose, full lips. I'm also pretty delicate-boned, if I do say so myself. This crazy girl I used to sit next to in my high school English class used to tell me I looked like a black Barbie doll, and you know what those look like -- dark skin, white features. I've been told I look Native American, half-white, but most likely Dominican or Puerto Rican. So you can understand that it is very hard for me to figure out my 'roots', let alone embrace them. I tell people I'm black and they get impatient and say, "No, you know what I mean." I've had someone inform me that I'm not black just because my skin is dark. Thanks. Many black men are fixated on light-skinned, curly-haired black girls, and I've spent so much time hating myself for fitting into that category. Guilty, almost. Like I chose it. Like I blame myself for perpetuating that Halle-Berry-Vanessa-Williams-this-shade-of-black-is-acceptable sterotype. It seems like the white men are into this vision of naughty, exotic, golden-skinned sex goddesses, and the black men are into that same white version of black beauty. That is horribly stereotypical of me as well, but you see it every day. Look at the black girls that are in the movies and soap operas. If they're not the token ghetto girl with the braids, nails and loud mouth,  they're the svelte, charming seductresses with glowing skin and tumbles of dark hair everywhere -- they've just got the edge on the white girls because they've got bigger asses. Like these girls are the best of both worlds. Look at the black girls that are in the rap videos. The hardest part, though, is being so disgusted with that image and then looking like it. Try that. To complicate things a little more, I was raised in a totally Latin-flavored house. At family gatherings at my house, nearly everyone spoke Spanish. Spanish was actually my first language, that I lost once I entered school. I was raised on Spanish language, Spanish food, Spanish music. I was always scolded by my mother's relatives for not speaking Spanish. So my parents say we're 100% black, but I 'don't look black' and I grow up in a very Spanish home, and then? Totally white schools. All white friends. Valley Girl accent, into New Kids on the Block and Guns N' Roses and Bon Jovi. Talk about the whole nine yards. By junior high school I'm in a more diverse school, but by then the 'damage' has already been done. I already feel out of place among black girls -- not like they weren't excluding me to begin with, which they were. I'm more accepted among whites, but even 'more' isn't enough. I'm their friend, but still some kind of outsider. They try their best not to offend or embarass me, which basically means ignoring any differences between me and them. Which is just as hurtful as being excluded for those differences. All of my best girlfriends have been white. My current boyfriend of two years is white. The last black guy I kissed was when I was 13, and I'm 20 now (I did have a fling with a Puerto Rican when I was 17 - any points for that?) Honestly, I feel like a mixed child bred on white culture. I feel that this is what I know, this is who I am. I have spent so many years being ashamed of not feeling particularly 'black'. That can only mean that I'm trying to deny my blackness, right? That I'm ashamed of my black heritage? But that's not the case. Only recently have I realized that I am Latina, too. Once I realized that, it was like a light went on. I was raised as a Latina, and I've spent until now not even realizing that, because I've been been so fixated on my 'black' side (or my lack thereof). Acknowledging that I am a Latina doesn't mean I'm trying to get away from my blackness. I'm just trying to be me. So I know now that I was lucky enough to be born with all kinds of rich and amazing ethnicities in me, but I was raised as a Latina and I feel very Latina. I am just as proud of my Latina-ness as I am of my blackness. I'm both. I just know my Latina-ness better, that's all. The Latin has always been a bigger part of me, and embracing that doesn't mean I'm denying my black ancestors. Eventually I'll get to know them, too.

(Moderator's Note: If the author of this story will email me with her name or pen name, I will be able to place it in the Personal Stories section of the web site, as requested, and she will be able to participate fully in the My Shoes support group as a member.)

i have 2 beutiful celtic daughters there love from their parents stem from racial pride.....i for 1 know that alot of drug problems alcohol abuse and other downfalls in life are due to low self esteem so i am trying to bring them up in a home proud of their peoples history throughout centuries of celtic blood....is this bad is this evil????? no i think not , i think the fact that all these people have multi-racial kids and inter-racial marriages is not the best thing for our kids...why???....because they grow up with no sense of being...they feel lost , become either timid or belligerent they feel bad of themselves therefore reflecting this upon the rest of the world they are surronded by...i am not promoting genocide , war nor am i promoting anything evil just trying to get to understand why people in this world feel forced to push racial integration we are individuals , in individual sub species of the human race...therefore why should we break natures way , nature is our home , our god has created it for us to propagate in so why should my 2 celtic girls lose their pride due to others integration beliefs...

This letter was originally written to Carolyn Hall, another writer to MyShoes, after much thought I have decided to post it to the site.

My name is Tanya, I live in Southern California and I just logged on to MyShoes for the first time and read some of letters. I must say I can identify. I am biracial and look it, I grew up in foster homes so I never really felt like fit in anywhere. However, I do have two good friends both biracial, one Black/Hispanic the other White/Hispanic both married to Black men. Due to life’s circumstances my two good friends and I have drifted apart the last few years, after raising my own two children I decided to return to school at a local Jr. College and major in Health Administration. Here's how our stories are similar. I attended a variety of general Ed classes, before I began my medical classes, and met many different, interesting people but when I started my medical course it turned out the classes were much smaller and mostly black students. In the beginning I was excited, all of the women were between 28 and 38 years old like myself and already had families but when I tried to speak to any of them in class or at break they were cold towards me. Everyone tried to act professionally in class but on breaks some the women acted totally ghetto (meaning mother fucker this and mother fucker that), and the ones who didn't act that way still sat around and laughed with them. I wasn't rude to any of these women but the ghetto act embarrassed me and didn't want to participate in it, therefore they labeled me a stuck-up high yellow girl. In another example there are an odd number of students in the class, and when the teacher would ask us to pair up the woman sitting next to me would actually get up and walk to the back of the class to pair with another woman, leaving me without a partner, every time. I learned to expect this behavior in Jr. High and High School but not from grown women. These women are down right cruel to me and the college degree I was looking forward to I now dread if I have to continue taking classes with these same women. One last thing that astonishes me, one of the women who is the coldest towards me is always accusing other people of being prejudice and yet she hates my guts simply because I'm not "black" enough for her. I suppose stupid is as stupid does. Thank you for you letters in myshoes, I don't wish this treatment on anyone but it's good to know we're not alone.

Name: Atlantan, AmericanEmperor@hotmail.com
Subject: Sad Stories!
Date: 10/10/00

I am a pure bred Indian who happened to travel and live on 4 continents and different cultures. It is a shame race and color have remained such formidable issues in a vastly advanced technocratic system like America! Sometimes one wonders if America even deserves the global position and respect of mankind... i came here pursuing technocracy (like so many others from so many countries) and thought America must be a great melting pot. But I never imagined how ashamed a country could be of its own diversity which is actually something to be proud of! I hope a time will dawn on this nation when people can just be people and not worry about who descended from what race!

"No separate history of people of mixed black and white parentage has been written. In this sense, as a group they have no past, and no heroes or heroines with whom to identify"

Do you agree?How does this make you feel? What are you going to do about IT?

Im doing a study on the importance of being mixed race and and need a sample of people to answer a questionnaire and a personals response on how wider culture has influence you.As a mixed race female,i personally feel angry that we are made outcast among society, weres our history?Where will be our future? THESE ARE QUESTION I HOPE TO FIND ANSWERS TO IM MY RESEARCH, EMAIL ME WITH YOUR THOUGHTS AND COMMENTS!ESPECIALLY IF YOU WANT TO DO THE QUESTIONNAIRE!!! Thanks!

I no longer consider myself to be black. I think there are too many cultural boundries and limitations within that race; I love and charish the black in me but as far as my race concers I am mixed (two races, not one or the other.)

Boy, if you think that it so very, very strange being both black and white, try being a black late thirties that was adopted by a white family! Nobody believes it when I tell them that I was adopted by a white family. Nobody! When people see me, they see black, so quite naturally they are going to think that my parents are look like me(are black, too!). When they see my parents and other immediate family members, one can just imagine the reaction that I get! Honestly, I wish that I had been half white and half black, because the reaction from other people would not be as bad. They would figure I would have to be from a previous marriage. I have been made to feel so very black and ugly! By both blacks and whites! They seem to say to me;" you are so black and ugly compared to your adopted family." This concept hurts. I know that I am very dark, but I have seen darker than I. The only cure for racism is to have people interracialize with each other!

I dont believe that anyone in America can truthfully claim a black identity. From what I have read, American "Blacks" are almost 30% white genetically. In te past they would have been considered Griffes not negroes/blacks. I consider myself mixed because we all are. Even whites have a subastantial amount of indian blood in them. So do "blacks". It is pointless to identify otherwise!

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