Adult Discussion Topic

How has being multiracial with a white appearance affected your dating relationships or marriages?

Responses To Discussion Topic:

THIS TOPIC REALLY DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALOT, BUT SOME TIMES I THINK THAT BROTHERS CERTAIN ONES, ONLY TALK TO ME BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT I AM MIXED, IT IS LIKE THEY HAVE A FEDISH FOR MIXED WOMEN. THE GUY THAT I'M TALKING TO NOW , HE SAYS THAT HE ONLY HAS AND ONLY WILL BE IN A RELATIONSHIP OR DATE, MIXED WOMEN. BUT YET HE SAYS THAT HE WOULD NEVER TALK TO A WHITE WOMAN HE HATES TO SEE INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT. HOW CAN YOUR PREFERENCE BE MIXED WOMEN, BUT YOU DON'T LIKE MIXED COUPLES, THAT KIND OF OFFENDED ME , I'M THINKING HOW CAN YOU ACCEPT ME AND BE ALL ABOUT ME KNOWING THAT MY MOTHER IS WHITE AND MY FATHER IS BLACK. VERY STRANGE HUH? ANOTHER THING THAT I NOTICE IS THAT YOU TEND TO SEE ALOT OF WHITE WOMEN WITH BLACK MEN, BUT NOT ALOT OF WHITE MEN WITH BLACK WOMEN,I THINK THAT WHITE MEN DON'T LOOK AT BLACK WOMEN LIKE THAT, BUT ANY WAYS IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER IAM FOR WHATEVER.

I've found the best answer for this...date someone who is mixed, or biracial if you please. I'm biracial and my boyfriend--future husband is also. When I came to college some three years ago I encounter a mass amount of black men who were intrigued by my looks and white men intrigued by my 'poise.' But the day that I heard one of the black men say, "She doesn't understand, she's red-boned," I realized he didn't understand because I was mixed. My experience with white males was more of that of Columbus, exploration. I appeared white enough to go to the fraternity parties, but not white enough to meet their parents. My mixed boyfriend Jeff has experienced similiar situations. He understands why my hair is curly and the reason that in June I look black and in January I look more Hispanic. It's funny to hear people say, Did you get a tan...Yeah..I'm mixed...we do that! It's a pleasure being with someone who understandsthe angry hair days, who understands that I don't speak 'white,' I just speak. Needless to say we have a fabulous relationship, and to be really conceited, we are always the prettiest couple at any party! Try a mixed relationship...now that's what I call true-interracial dating!!!!

Just to add my two cents to the subject of a bi-racial's dating experiences and choices, since I grew up mostly on Army bases and in towns in Germany, I didn't experience the overt predjudice that many bi-racials in America have felt, and so felt free to respond to whomever I was attracted. Since the population was predominently white, I dated white boys, with seemingly no repercussions from their parents or mine. When my family relocated stateside for the last time before dad retired, I hit culture shock! The Black power movement was in full swing, and it was ASSUMED that I would only date Blacks or Hispanics, because I have light brown skin. I realized then that I was more attracted to who I grew up around, namely whites. I dated first a white boy, then a Puerto Rican. When I hit college, I decided to embrace my Black side (although it hadn't been nurtured by my dad), and dated Black young men exclusively. Most of my experiences were awful! To this day, I'm still recovering from the subtle and overt abuse, of which I won't go into detail. Since college, I've dated a variety of races. I'm mostly happy at being single at age 46 now, with the assurance that if marriage will ever be in the "Plan" for me, I'm finally at the point where I'm not in the least bit concerned with what color package he'll come in.

I have basically one comment and one comment only. I fail to see why it matters what color the person we choose to date or fall in love with is. I date people for their personalities and their treatment of me. If he is green or purple - so be it, just as long as I'm in a stable relationship where we treat each other with respect.

I have come to believe that colors do not fall in love, people do. Having said that, when you add the harsh realities of the world, it changes my belief somewhat. I have dated both black and white women. Each time, my appearance came up as a factor for ending the relationship. With the black women it was either a family member of theirs making vicious the comments about my appearance, or the woman only wanted me because I could give her a light-skinned baby. I must be honest and say that most of the black women I dated tended to be darker women, I guess subconsciously trying to balance the picture. I have dated two white women, and with both of them, I was a "safe" black man to experiment with. Their families would not know until long after the introductions, if at all. One of these relationships ended when the woman decided to play a guessing game about me with her friends. We were out one night with her friends and they excused themselves to use the ladies room. Once in there she asked them "Okay, what do you think he is." What this woman did not realize is that I, just like most if not all of you, have developed a sixth sense, and can tell when my color is the center of the communication. All of this being said, I have to be honest. There have been two relationships I was involved in where I felt completely at ease. One woman was mixed race,like me, and the other was bi-racial. Although, we did not match personality-wise, we never had any problems with the color issue. I am not concerned with being called "color struck" anymore, I want my happiness. As such, I have decided that I want to date and marry a woman who looks like me. I have no problem with people of other races dating or marrying. My sister-in-law happens to be white and is a beautiful and loving woman. I just know who I would be happy with. If I upset someone with this disclosure, so be it.

Unintentionally, I think (but probably subconsciously), I have always dated women who in Census terms were classified as "other". By "other" I mean anything and everything that is neither "white" nor "black". Beauty has nothing to do with it, since I see it in women of all races, including black and white. But socially -- and this is clearly a USA problem -- these issues pervade all aspects of our thinking. I have traveled all over the world in my personal and professional life, so I have seen how these things are (or I should say "aren't") in other countries. But I guess I regret that my hang-ups in this regard have in the end resulted in my having relationships in my own country that were/are “arms-length” at best.

Still, as I have gotten older, I have concluded that, with all of the challenges we face, there are also many advantages in being able to travel in so many different circles and serve as a “bridge” to different, otherwise separate groups, as only persons of multiracial backgrounds can. Maybe, in practice, such opportunities don’t often present themselves. But there is strength in love, and one must love oneself without vanity if one is to truly love others.

Dating (I've never been married) has been pretty difficult for me up until a few years ago. I seemed to attract those who were least supportive of my multiracial background, and relationships were usually brief because the guy was interested in me only as some sexual object he could try to experiment on to get a taste of the other race, or the person tried to make me change to fit his own narrow worldview. I think it has to do with being in the South. Up until a few years ago Atlanta was a country town trying to be a metropolis. Now that there is a large influx of people from the north and the west, as well as from other countries, my dating life is looking up.

I never had a problem attracting men, just had a problem with the ones I chose. Now that I'm a little more settled (read: mature) and am more comfortable with myself, good vibes will flow into that area of my life. I am very optimistic.

I didn't date black men until I was 22, in my "high militant/trying to fit in" phase. The choice to not date black men had more to do with uncomfortable experiences when I was a child than from a desire to be "white". I went against my own fears/preferences to please my family. Only recently, and with the help of some spirited dialogue Interracial Voice's Point/Counterpoint, have I begun to distance myself from my relative's desires for me and to tune in to what I want. After all, I have to live with the guy! Getting to know myself better has been the key to being able to get to know someone else better, and I am more discerning in screening out those who do not seem to be supportive of me.

Presently I'm particularly attracted to this guy in my law school class (I think he's Jewish). He's from New York, and I'm partial to boys from The City. My best friend's reaction to this latest attraction, however, has been very interesting. Whenever I point out a black guy I find attractive, I get her encouragement to "roll up". When I point out the Prince of New York, however, I got silence. I pointed this out to her in a joking manner, and she agreed with me that she was doing that. I realize that her reasons why have to do with her own cultural limitations.

Then again, she may just be tired of my "Rainbow Coalition" approach to dating because I have lusted after or actually dated in since Fall 1995 an Asian, middle easterners, an Italian (just off the boat!), a good ol' boy, a guy from Curacao and a Spaniard!

Date: 08 Jan 1997

I went to a predominantly White high school. I wasn't really into dating then, but it wasn't until much later that it dawned on me that maybe that disinterest had to do with the lack of Black guys. I didn't date much as an undergrad either although I definately recognized a preference for Black men. The only serious relationships I've been in were with Black men, but I was very aware of the fact that they all had dated White women. I always wondered if they considered me their "ideal" woman because I looked White but was very aware of and appreciative of my Black heritage. I also felt there were Black guys who ignored me because they thought I was White or not Black enough. I've been interested in a couple of White guys but usually it was because I thought they liked me first. It was never anything serious. I also remember that in two of the more serious relationships, the guy made a reference to my race the very instant we met! Both thought I was Latina!

Now I'm engaged and my concerns turn to how others view us as a couple. I know the majority of people see us and think we are an interracial couple, and to be honest, it bothers me. I certainly don't have a problem with interracial couples but that assumption blots out who I really am - a biracial woman engaged to a black man. The worst is when I'm with him around other African Americans. I get the stares and what-have-you because I've "stolen" another brotha! It ticks me off because A) I'm biracial not white and B) my mother is white and she didn't steal anyone! I recently met several of my fiance's family and friends from his hometown. I often wondered if they knew or if they ever questioned my race. The few times I was uncomfortable I didn't know if it was because I was "new" or because I was getting the "White Girl" treatment.

Love sees no color, but society doesn't view much of anything thru loving eyes.

November 28, 1996

Through undergraduate school I lived in a predominantly black environment, thus I was viewed as black by my peers (and myself). At the end of my junior year ( 1967) I met my first husband (who is white) through his best friend (who is black). Race was not an issue within the relationship. However, during the 14 years together there were uncomfortable comments about racial issues (outside the marriage) made by him, although he would say that the comments did not have racist overtones.

The fact that he never told his family about my heritage always bothered me, also. He felt that he did not have a need to do so since he felt estranged from them. It was true because he rarely was in contact with them.

My present husband (white) of 10 years was intrigued when I told him of my heritage after the relationship was beginning to become serious. I met him in a totally white environment where I live today. He admits that he knows little about the black culture, however, he is very open to learn. We are working on this process together. (Yes I am still in love!)

When I was occasionally dating for 5 years between husbands, I primarily dated white men because there were VERY FEW black men who I met. I was always concerned that I would be rejected when they discovered my heritage. I only shared that part of myself if I believed that there was potential for a serious relationship. I was rejected once after the individual met my family, although he was aware of my heritage. It was very hurtful since we were engaged to be married. But I'm glad it happened then instead of after the wedding..

I do not have a need to hide my black heritage, but I also do not have a need to wear a sign. As another person and I get to know each other, then I am willing to share more of myself including my biracial background.

Discussion Group.

Home Page.