Hi all. I have so much exciting news! My fiancé is now my husband. We just married last month and have just returned from our honeymoon in Belize! That is a place where I felt right at home! The Caribbean is great for mixed folks because everyone is mixed and has "my" hair, "my" features! It was great! I am loving married life and have also recently made friends with a mom who adopted a biracial child, who is my age! I haven't met her yet, but her mom and I talk a lot and she tells me her daughter has lots of my issues! I am so excited to meet her and just talk! N Even talking to her mom is so therapeutic.

I was raised in the Bronx, in an Italian neighborhood. My mother was unwed and I never knew my father. My family told me he died in Vietnam as a soldier when I asked about him. Usually my next question was, "Why don't I look like you?" My mother, who was blond and blue-eyed, would just say I looked like my dad. I, on the other hand, had very curly/kinky hair, brown eyes, thick lips and a semi-flat nose. I knew something was up. I always felt apart in that neighborhood where many people thought I was adopted. I didn't know why I felt different but I always did. I think one of the things that probably made growing up a bit easier was the fact that my skin is very light.

When I was about 16 I cornered my grandmother one day and forced her to tell me more about my father. As it turns out, my parents were never married and the guy was black. Well, either Black or Hispanic, it was never specified. I think it was probably the former because my family thought they needed to lie to me about him and what he looked like. They were also very relieved when I was born with light skin. That's what my grandma said.

After this revelation many things fell into place. I understood things about myself that had always confused me in the past. I now knew why I felt so different. At least I wasn't crazy!

A new can of worms opened up after that because I felt the need to identify with other African-Americans. I wanted to say, "Hi!! I'm one of you!! Accept me and I will have a new home!" BUT it didn't turn out that way at all. The minute I opened my mouth I was either completely disbelieved or accused of putting on airs. I have no accent or dialect at all. That added to my light skin didn't make acceptance easy for me. I was more rejected by Blacks than I was by Whites.

Even one of my African-American exes accused me of not being "Black enough." I felt for many years that I just couldn't win.

It took me a long time to be able to accept my looks and skin color for what they are and stop wishing to be either on one side of the fence or the other. To a large extent, now being in a new place with few friends, I feel those feelings again and wonder if they'll ever go away. Why isn't my skin darker, my hair straighter or curlier, my butt bigger or smaller, my nose straighter or flatter? Why this hateful middle ground?

My husband is Amerasian, part Filipino, part white, and we are very happy. He has always identified as White and is free from most of these issues. In a way I feel guilty for not marrying a Black man. I wanted my children to have more of a Black heritage than I did and I don't want any part of my "blackness" to disappear. I know it sounds crazy, but that's how I feel at times.

Anyway, very glad to find this website and really need some support from folks like me!

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