Charlotte
Me My Son
Hello everyone my name is Charlotte. I am a 25-year-old single woman and mother of a two-year-old son. I am multiracial, My father is Hawaiian (also German and Irish is suspected) My mother is African American, Caucasian and Mexican American. My maternal grandfather (whom other than my grandmother no one has ever met nor seen pictures of) is African American. My Maternal grandmother is 1/2 Mexican American and 1/2 African American and Caucasian. My grandmother had 10 children total. She had 4 children (fathered by African American men) 3 children (fathered by a Mexican-American man) and another 3 children (fathered by a Puerto Rican Man). My grandmother was very light skinned and had many problems in the African American community which she was raised in. She went back and forth (with passing for white) a couple times. She left all of her children fathered by African American in the Northern States (except for my mother) and came to California. She never told anyone about her children or family. When I was 11 (my mother 31) my grandmother decided to tell "the secret". She first told about her children and they were located and came to meet us. She then told about having African-American roots herself. Finally, she told my mother that her biological father was African American. Before all of these changes I don't really remember race being an important issue. I knew that black people weren't treated equally. I knew that people often thought of black people as the lowest form of life. I told my closest friends and they seemed okay with it. I kind of thought they now felt I was dirty and unworthy. They would still befriend me but it wasn't the same. My first year in high school everything changed. There were many mixed people and it was almost "In" to be mixed. People began asking me more and more if I was mixed. Everyone wanted to be mixed. I finally was able to tell people I was mixed with Black…and it was okay, I was excepted and not looked down upon. My second year in high school I went to live with my father in Hawaii (whom was very prejudice and didn't know himself that we were black). I began to feel ashamed again. I started hanging out with other "non locals" (usually military kids) We listened to R&B and Rap music so therefore most of the guys we hung out with were black, mixed, or people with similar music interests. I began dating black men from then on. Many times throughout my life I have been confused about my identity and where I fit in. My mother is a large part of my confusion. She feels that I should not even say I am black and doesn't agree with me dating black men. She has often called me a "wannabe" as well as many of those lovely "N" words. She feels 99% of her problems in life have been because of black people or because she is black. She often blames me for anything that happens in her life at the hands of a black person. She will say "Your relatives" did it so you should be happy. I think that she truly has self-hatred for being black. She says that 99% of black people are hideous, most people feel this way and that this is a fact (I don’t understand how a person's opinion can be fact) There are many ignorant comments she says about black people. I am concerned that my son (whose father is African American) will grow up with this same self hatred or he will not feel proud of being black. She talks like your average KKK member at times worse. She loves and accepts my son, and claims to not be racist!!!! I have recently come to terms with myself as far as identity goes. People have to accept me for what I am, all of it. I can't choose just one because I am not just one race/culture. I am American by national origin. They will still classify me however they see fit, but no longer will I be pushed into choosing just ONE.