Ann
COn an irritating Tuesday, someone stopped me in the street and inquired about my background and informed me about "myshoes."
I remember a morning many years ago in Mexico City when I sat in a lounge area and spoke with a anothe visitor in the hotel. An elderly caucasian American woman. She told me many of her adventures and we warmed to each other as utter strangers frequently do when there is no risk. When in our discussion I explained tha my ethnic heritage was African American as the current nomemclature identifies us. She began to cry and said you will have such a miserable life, she worried so emotionally. When I returned to the States, I chuckled with my mother, such consternation!
I am not a half and half split of one ethnic background versus another. The heritage of the native peoples exist on both sides and the heritage of African people exist on both sides as well. The genes of Europeans from Wales, Ireland to England to France and Germany course through my blood. And I felt the call of my Mexican ancestry before I knew it as my own.
Our family community took pride in our heritage and felt it fortified us and the adversity in mainstream Causcasian America would forge a stronger people. But alliances within the African American communnity were forged by law and necessity and not always with kindness and infrequently with vision. I embrace the challenges but it can be so tiresome. It was easier to explain it by the noun developed to describe people in the new world but after determining that the word was a nasty world to some African Americans, I am mute. I dislike extended explanations on why I do conform to the phenotype. I firmly believe than in embracing all that you are is good, but being pushed to choose one and deny another generates stress.
My heart pushed me to Mexico , when I was a teen , I studied the language and the culture, travel throughout certain parts in College and conducted research, some times independently basking in the opportunity to ignore the fence between African Americans and Caucasian Culture in the U.S. On one occasion one manager in Mexico allowed me access for an interview he confessed afterword because I appeared so much like his favorite Aunt. Ever honest I expressed doubt that was possible. And I was amused that his tone was much like the folk of my ancestrial community, "they may not know it, but I know they got some Black..."- only in this case it was Mexican.
Two years later my Mom fessed up about who her father was.. I was totally amused.. She watched me with the wierdest sentiment she explained because she had a block about learning Spanish. And I had proceeded independently to make that one of my goals. I have no illusions about Mexico, it has its problems. The indigenous populations and some of the mixed denizens have their obstacles. But only after I went to Spain -- so different, that I knew a little part of me feels deeply for Mexico.
So many beautiful shades of olive, brown and tan and the most random features of my brethen-.
The less pleasant challenges center on avoiding being the exotic for the African American community, or the label of the exotic in the Causcasian community when dating. In the former the issue is not the shade of skin but the character of the individual to know himself and accept me for myself. In the latter it seems a poor recipe for raising a family if the guy can not embrace the whole family for the " African American heritage" Strange , I guess if he indicated his disrespect for their personality it would be okay but not for the melanin -that would not work
Its lonely as the spook sitting by the door sometimes no one knows what you are and learning what people really believe underscore the ugliness of persistant racism There is a lot of confusion on both ends of the fence for most Caucasians and a few African Americans because I do not run to " the easy side". More Latinos are cool about it . I speak Spanish that's enough.. OKK a little salsa and tremendous appreciation for post modern Latino literature does not hurt. I speak at the fence more than ever and keep my heart open. When I see the cross cultural conflict express itself in very dysfunctional ways with other ethnic minorities, I am sad. I am particularly moved when I come across totally beautiful souls withered by the cross cultural confusion and insecurity. I just hope that the future cross cultural combinations can take advantage of the lessons from others and grow from it.
I am pleased to have opportunity to share with the group. I'm in the D.C. area because my occupation dictates it.